maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
