if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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