I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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