I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
