Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
