Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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