One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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