I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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