This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The best revenge is premature balding
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
