I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
