So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
