I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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