goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
