People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
