so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
