I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
