After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
