im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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