you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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