nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
