whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
