I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You need Xanax blowdarts
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
