meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My vagina is officially offended.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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