I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
