a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm really busy with my period
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
