The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
