so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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