I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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