I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
