wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
