I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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