Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
