I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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