it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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