I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
