at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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