My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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