After last night, I could never be a politician.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
