I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
