So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
