We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
