no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
