Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
