You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
