how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
