True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
