If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
