I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
