I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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