matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
