Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
